I've recently been listening to a lot of Misty Edwards (if you haven't heard her, check her out http://www.mistyedwards.com/). She has a song called "Fling Wide" that has resonated within me quite profoundly. I have spent many mornings and night in meditation on its words and through scripture.
Awake, awake o north wind,
Awake awake o south wind
Blow over me
Come o winds of testing
Come winds of refreshing
Blow over me
Awake, awake o north wind,
Awake awake o south wind
Blow over me
Come o winds of testing
Come winds of refreshing
Blow over me
Let the winds blow
Fling wide the door to my soul
Open up the door to my heart
Have your way, have your way
Have your way yeah
I wont be afraid
I will face the wind
I wont be afraid
I'll embrace the flame
It's really made me think about the testing God allows in each of our lives. How many times have I been tested...and failed? How many times have I not endured it? It makes me think of my uncle and his untimely death. It was five years ago October 5th.....
Let me begin by describing my uncle.
He was a man of character.
A faithful husband, a son to be proud of, and an excellent brother.
He possessed a heart of gold. Always caring and outpouring with love. He could bring a smile to your face in any circumstance, and the hardest worker I have ever, and will ever know.
While I was deployed to Iraq (at the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom; 2002-2003) he would send me a new stock of fine cigars every few weeks. I would receive letters and postcards from him regularly. And once we had cellphones he would call frequently. He took up my cause and made it his own. He was always there for me and the rest of our family. He was intelligent, full of moral character, and a noble fisherman. He was an electrician by trade, and I have often heard him referred to as the best in the business. Of course, he would not tell you that, for he was a humble soul as well.
He was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, a terminal painful disease, approximately five years before his death. It's hard to retrace the exact cause of the infection, but its believed he acquired the disease many years ago in his youth; possibly while receiving a tattoo in his teenage years at the Phoenix Swap-meet (which was a large attraction in those days). After his diagnosis, the disease begin to take over his body. Slowly, and painfully. He lost most of his weight and began to look like a skeleton covered with skin. Pale, yellow, lifeless skin. He would develop soars and cuts that could no longer heal. It began to destroy his liver. His liver began to shut down. Due to the lack of a functioning liver, his body could no longer process fluids through his system normally, if at all. He would swell up with fluid, and his abdomen would bulge, taking on large amounts of weight. This was extremely painful. He would go to the hospital often to have excruciating draining procedures to release the pressure. He was fortunate to be placed on the organ transplant list at the Mayo Clinic- a well renowned medical facility. He was fortunate to be placed on this list twice. He was fortunate to be moved to the top of this list twice. He was fortunate to be given two separate liver transplant operations....both which failed.
He lived the last years of his life in pain - hard, agonizing, deathly pain. He did this while he waited to die. However, when you saw him, spoke to him, he never mentioned the pain. He never complained or agonized in your presence. In fact, he did quite the opposite. He would smile, talk sports, talk life, talk politics, talk family...and in his old charming way, he would make you smile and laugh.
Around October 1st, 2005, he was placed in a hospice facility to ease the pain during his last days. He was laying there in one of those medical beds with tubes attached to him- dulled with morphine to ease the pain. He could barely speak, move, or open his eyes. But you had the sense he knew you were there. He looked over and asked my Aunt, his wife, "Who's idea was it to bring me here? I want to go home..". She replied, "Glenn, do you want me to take you home?" Now, this is the part that shows his true character. This is the statement of a man who had lived a incredible life, cut short, but full of integrity none the less. A life to be proud of. But also, a man who knew it was time, and had come to find peace in that. In his last years, he spent days reading the bible and growing close to God. Nurturing his relationship with his Father. Preparing for this moment. He said, "No. I want to go HOME. . . . . . Home to Jesus".
A few days later, the time to go home came. It was early in the morning, no one was there. Except for his big sister, my mom. She was there to watch her only brother, her little brother who she loved so dearly, be escorted to heaven with angels.
This event caused a tremendous drain of my faith. It led to questions. Hard questions. "Why God? Why take a man like this?" As hard as I tried to answer these questions within myself, I could never find an answer. This led to an eventual demise in God, God's character, and Jesus himself. It led to disbelief, which in turn led to betrayal. It led to bitterness. It led to hate and anger. It ultimately led to sin. Which led to consequences for my sin.......
This went on for about three years. I fled from God for three years. I fled like Jonah fled from God instead of pursuing what God was asking of him. I hid from God like the prophet Elijah did. I ran, ran, and ran some more. I was a marathon runner in full-sprint. I became the king of hide-and-seek. Now, any intelligent person knows, you cannot run from the Almighty. He found me, and when he did, he stopped me in my tracks. He stopped with His grace. His forgiveness. His love. Which brings me back to my song. The opening of the song quotes a verse from Solomon which reads:
"Awake, O north wind,
and come, O south wind!
Blow upon my garden,
let its spices flow." Solomon 4:16
In this verse, the north wind represents "winds" of testing, or times of testing. The south wind represents "winds" of refreshing. Now, at first, the thing that struck me so profound about this verse is that the author (some theologians believe it was Solomon himself, and others believe it could be someone writing about Solomon, or to him) is asking for testing from God. How brave! How holy! That was my initial impression. The more I meditated upon this verse that changed. How awesome is it that after we endure times of testing, we experience times of refreshing. Blessings. We grow more complete; which in its original Greek translation, means mature. God has enough grace that he "grows" us, "blesses" us, "completes" us through our hardships. Makes us more mature in Him. He brings winds of refreshment in our lives following trials and struggles. How faithful is that!?
So, as I sit here tonight, I am staring out our huge front window; watching snow falling. Snow falling in blankets of pure whiteness. Snowflakes landing, covering the brown dirt and black asphalt of our city. I cant help but be reminded of how God covers us with his "snow". The blood of His son. Blankets of grace that are O' so refreshing. Pure. Loving. Genuine. Forgiving. Enduring. Snow that doesn't melt. See, I can look back now on my uncles death with a sense of peace. Knowing that God had a purpose for it, and that my uncle is in a far better place than this world. No more question. No more lack of faith. Besides, who am I to challenge the sovereignty of our God. The soverignty that always brings refreshment in our lives; and does so in perfect timing.
Therefore, it is my prayer tonight, that God makes us less like Jonah...and more like Job. Having complete trust and faith in our Father, without questions, but with maturity and endurance. May we ask for the north wind to blow in each of our lives, and that we may find joy in our sufferings, knowing that the south wind will be here soon. May we live a lifestyle of repentance. True repentance that allows grace to overflow in us. Repentance, to grace, to transformation. Our God is so good! He is so, so, so good to each of us. May we remember that in our sufferings- He is there with us. May we remember that we worship a God that has been there before. A God that sent His own Son to experience worse suffering than we can imagine, suffering that surpasses our own. He has been there, so he always knows what we are experiencing. Find solace and peace in this! Amen.
