PRIDE: a hard lesson I'm learning.

Pride is so innately human. It is the sickness that plagues the sinners heart. It's dark like the night and painful like death. It spreads like cancer.

Pride has ultimately been the culprit in the darkest days of my life. My path in and out of God has been marked by pride. It has conquered relationships, ruined friendships, deceived hearts, and betrayed my soul. At the greatest distance between myself and love, has laid pride. All the times I thought I didn't need help. The times when I thought "I got this, I'm good". When I refused to admit I had an addiction. When I refused to admit I needed help from God.

For the longest time I was too prideful and arrogant to admit I was weak. In truth, I was hiding myself and my weakness in the comfort of drugs, alcohol, and sex. What once started as an insecure cry for approval by my peers, turned into a full blown addiction. What began as one beer turned into twenty. I couldn't have just one anymore.  No, that was never enough. I had to drink until I became a different person. In fact, that's how it started-  insecurity manifested into alcoholism, and alcoholism turned into drug addiction. Drug addiction turned into depression, and that depression led to a desire to commit suicide. Along the way I hurt and devastated my family. I ruined friendships; I embraced crime and injustice. I abandoned reason and truth for the sake of deception. I lost my own identity desperate for the things of this world and the desires of my flesh. Furthermore, I ran from the Lord and sought to dismantle all theological reasoning that remained in my mind. I traded light for darkness, and love for shame. In other words, my world was marked by pride. Instead of filling my weakness with the power of the Lord, I filled it with other things.

I can look back upon my life and see different people that God has placed in my life for His good. Literally, for every age or season since my youth, there has been a man or woman of great spiritual influence and authority in my life.  These people were not just present figures in my social realm, but people who wanted to draw near to me. People who wanted to speak truth and love into my life. Don't you just love how God loves us!? His plan for our lives and His desire to see it through. You see, the thing is, my pride kept me from realizing this until the latter years of my young life.  My pride kept from enjoying the fruits of most of those relationships. It is so unfortunate to say that most of those relationships were ruined by my lack of humility. My lack of teachability caused by a heart hardened by pride.  I either rebelled in the face of correction by these people and their place of spiritual authority over my life, or I shut them out completely for sake of fear. A fear that stemmed form insecurity in that I would not be accepted for who I was. So I ran from them. I ran from the blessing that God intended to bestow upon me through them.

Pride, pride, pride….

Fortunately, we serve a father who chose us! A father who has a fiery affection in His eyes for us. Furthermore, He is a father who knows my prideful heart. He knew I would rebel in the face of those who he placed in my life. He knew I would run to the comforts of this world- and not to Him. He knew all of this before I was born. He is a father who will not give up on us. And he didn't give up on me. Pride will always be there. Pride will be an area of my life that I will continually seek restoration and freedom from. However, now I come to play. I suit up for battle. I come prepared against pride armored with the Word and the spirit who set me free. It's not easy. In fact, its difficult and involves suffering and enduring hardship. Jesus was clear about this and Paul claims this truth both by testimony and authority. My favorite verse as of late has been in the book of 2 Timothy. This verse appeals to in the sense that I was a soldier at one point in the military. God enjoys speaking to us in ways that we can identify with.

"Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hard-working farmer who ought to have the first share of the crops. Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything."  - 2 Timothy 2:3-7

I especially like the first portion of this passage: "Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus". The Greek word used here for "suffering" is Sugkakopatheo, which means to suffer hardship together with one. To suffer together. With one. My pride and bitterness in the past caused me to run from others. I was bitter towards their advice or fearful of how they would view me. However, Christ calls us to suffer together. To share our sufferings in relationship. In other words, to bear with one another. To take hold of our brother's and sister's suffering, problems, sins, issues, and join with them in their panic, and pain. Is it easier to lift something heavy by yourself, or with many? This is the idea. Now, not only are we to share together in our sufferings, but with one. That one being our Lord. Our Lord who has sent the Holy Spirit to dwell within us. The Holy Spirit who is also known as the comforter. Talk about the christian life and how blessed we are to have one other and Jesus as tools to not only survive but overcome- and do so with joy!

The second portion of this same sentence completes the first as it directs us to be a "good soldier of Christ Jesus". The best soldiers I knew in the military shared similar values. The values they shared were not ones that were simply taught. These values were ingrained in their persons. These values include words like: integrity, honor, selflessness, disciplined. Being a soldier means staying the course in the face of adversity; and lets be honest, as christians we face adversity everyday. We are at war with an enemy unseen and seen.

Back in 2003 while serving an Iraq I lost my chief - SSG Don McMahon. He was a quiet man, strong and courageous, who had authority when he spoke. He was a leader who knew how to become beside you and not over you. He was also a husband and father. About a year in to our deployment our unit had taken up in a group of tents  at Baghdad International Airport. We were in a holding pattern, ready to convey back to Kuwait to deploy home.  On what became one of the most deadly days in the Iraq war, his convoy was in route back to the airport after completing a mission across town. SSG McMahon was riding in the back of a 5-ton ( a large truck used for troop and equipment transport with an open bed ) with a few other soldiers. At one point along the route the highway opened up to a field on the left side of the road where a soccer game was going on. Suddenly, from the midst of the game out-broke a array of gun and RPG fire. The convoy was being ambushed. The attack came from all around pounding down on the vehicles from both sides. The soldiers, including SSG McMahon, sprung to action and began to fire back. SSG McMahon, equipped with a fully automatic M249 light machine gun which weighed approx. 15 pounds, stood up and began to unload rounds on the encroaching enemy. While standing up in the back of the fast moving vehicle, firing, he was shot in the upper shoulder by a 7.62mm AK-47 round. The round traveled through his body tumbling its way down to his lower hip area.  A devastating, and ultimately, lethal wound. SSG McMahon, wounded, stayed the course. He remained upright firing back at the enemy in attempt to protect his fellow brethren. He continued to do so until his body would physically give up. He didn't quit or call for immediate medical help, but put the fight at hand before his own physical needs. He was a man of humility. A true soldier. He was ingrained with perseverance and discipline. Honor. He was selfless. A true soldier. This is the kind of soldier Christ calls us to be. One who is ready to die for Him and His Kingdom.

I cherish these precious words spoken through the Apostle Paul. And thankfully through the abundant blessing of our Father I am learning to walk in the light of humility.  Andrew Murray, the great late theologian from South Africa, stated that “Humility is the chief attribute of Jesus Christ, the attribute that all else stem from.” Humility of course being the opposite of pride. This is proved so evidently in the way God humbled himself to the form of a human being, and came to dwell among us. I'm learning to be counter-cultural in a western society is so deeply steeped in a  sense of “me”, “myself”, and “I”. And, furthermore, the so-called “American Dream” is one of self-dependence, and radical self-promoting aspirations. The fruit of this is the best part. I live now in more joy than any drink, drug, relationship, or worldly pleasure could ever bring. And believe me, I've tried them all. Also, God has brought people into my life who bless me in ways I never imagined. Mentors who are steeped in God's humility that pour love into my life. Mentors who have patience and a desire to see me grow. Men like Chris Hippe, Ryan Buskirk, Ryan Kee. He has also blessed me with a woman who God has used to show me more of Himself than I ever thought possible. Who exemplifies the essence of Christ and His humility. Who has taken the love Christ has for me and loved me the same.

I usually offer a prayer at the end of my posts…However, I just feel led by God to submit this to you. Pray for humility. Pray for God to break the spirit of pride in your life; do so and run forward in a joy that can only be described by two words: Jesus Christ.

My beloved and Kansas City...

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. From the holidays to the new year, a roadtrip to Kansas City, and the start of the Catalyst J-term school here in Tacoma.

Michelle Leanne Renich. Since December, when Michelle and I began dating, she has been and will continue to be the largest blessing God has bestowed upon me. Those who know me, know that the moment I saw her I was captivated. Literally. The moment I walked through the doors at City Central, on my first visit to Tacoma, and saw her...that was it. Through her, God has revealed so much to me about myself, and more importantly, who He is. Through her grace, compassion, forgiveness, honesty, tenderness, encouragement, and ability to love so freely I have gained a better understanding of God's character. She is the essence of Christ; and I have never before seen a woman walk so closely in step with our Savior. It's an awe-inspiring thing to witness, and I love every moment I get with her. To pray with her (which we do a lot of!). Talk. Grow. Listen. Learn. And ultimately bring glory to God through our relationship.

The day after Christmas, Michelle and I, along with five others packed into an SUV and headed to the International House Of Prayer's onething 2010 in Kansas City, Missouri. It became one of the best weeks in my life. So many words.... to describe so much. I've decided I'll take a few highlights and list them. Also, the teachings and worship sessions are available on the IHOP website ( http://www.ihop.org/ ), and I highly encourage checking them out.

• Praising God alongside 30,000 people is absolutely incredible. The presence of the Holy Spirit was in full power; transforming hearts abundantly. It's amazing how God works. You ask to Him to meet you in one specific area, and he meets you over here, in a place that was desolate and unknown to you- but needed the healing, wisdom, or revelation even more- he plugs the hole, and fills the gap. His love is a filler. 
• Relationships are a blessing indeed. I connected with two men who I am so grateful for: Steve Walters and Matty Kossler. Steve is a member of our community here in Tacoma, who was there with his daughter and her friends. His zeal and fire for God is amazing. He prayed with me and together we opened the door to developing my own prayer language! Praise God. Matty, is a IHOP staff member, who moved to Kansas City with his wife after helping to build up the IHOP prayer room in Hawaii. I have never met a man with so much love flowing through him for others. It was an instant connection. We now have weekly phone dates scheduled, amen. Godly men pursing more of God and walking together- cant get any better than that!
• Working with Michelle, we were able to speak into the lives of several people. One experience that I cherished most happened on the last day we were there. We met a young woman from Nigeria while receiving prophetic prayer. Which, that opportunity in and of itself was a blessing, since the list for prophetic prayer was filled within an hour at the start of the conference. Not to mention, Jesus spoke to the heart of Michelle and my relationship. He spoke about using us together as a ministry team for His kingdom- how gloriously awesome!  I regress... Her name was Esther. While praying we discovered her doubts she had with the Lord. Feelings of lack-luster love, and insecurities within feeling the fullness that flows from our God. We invited her to pray with us. As a team, we prayed to God for revelation regarding her circumstances. Faithful as always he spoke exactly what she was dealing with; from strongholds to generational curses. He spoke in such an exact nature we were able to dial in to her exact issues. Specific circumstances within her family and past events. FREEDOM. We prayed with her for over an hour, breaking and binding, blessing, and speaking the word to her heart. FREEDOM. 
• During a session of prayer for healing I was given the opportunity to pray for Michelle. She has been dealing with food allergies for over two years that have prevented her from eating any dairy products at all. I mean, all dairy products to the slightest degree. Our Lord has a heart for healing. Needless to say, last night, we enjoyed a Hawaiian pizza piled high with cheese!! Praise God! She is healed.

Last but not least, this holiday season has brought forth more revelation of my own inequities. My weaknesses. My need for more of Him, and less of me. It has brought freedom in being honest with myself about my faults. Freedom in being transparent and open with my weaknesses and failures. Gracious in His goodness, he has placed me in a community that makes this easy to do. He has also given me brothers with a heart to go deep; a mentor that loves growing leaders; and a girlfriend filled with grace.

Heading into 2011, my vision is simple: To be completely and utterly sold-out for Jesus. Not to be mediocre. Not to be 75%, but to give my full portion. All of me, for all of Him. What does this look like? It means releasing possessions, physical and emotional, mental and spiritual. Losing my identity in Christ; meaning living with no regard for myself but for Him only. It means, no wasting time on worldly desires but concentrating on the things above. Living in anticipation of the coming Bridegroom. It means asking and responding to the hard questions.... Loving Jesus more than others, and putting him first and above all.

The act of coming to Christ and accepting Him is just the beginning. Furthermore, attending a weekly church service, meeting with a devotional group, and reading the Bible twice a week are all good things; but they are not enough. Christ called us to do much more. He asked us to die to ourselves and seek Him with full abandonment to ourselves and this world. The good thing is, when we experience more of His love, we want to do more. We want to read our Bible twice a day instead of twice a week. We want to spend hours in prayer instead of just one. He pursues us as we pursue Him. He longs for us with a fiery affection.

Lets all make 2011 the year we surrender all of ourselves for all of Him. This is not only my prayer, but echoes his heart as well. Lets transform the world by transforming our hearts. We love Him - and He will do the rest.

To Him who makes all things new, and who longs to have all of us and not just a portion! To Him who pours out blessings to those who live with a "naked intent" to know Him more. And to Him, who says " I AM your God, and have called you by name....come; know me, and experience the fullness of my love- you will never regret it!"

Much love, and Happy New Year!