Being Adventurous

Yesterday I was at my favorite local coffee joint doing some journaling. The following is dialogue between God and I during that time.


Me: How may times must I fall just to get back up? How often must I be broken to heal?

God: As many times as it takes.

Me: Is this because you love me?

God: Only because I love you. But, your relationship with me is dependent on your effort and my might.

Me: Does this mean that I must want you as much as you want me?

God: That is simply impossible, my love and desire for you cannot be matched nor comprehended.

Me: "My effort" seems like such a religious and legalistic term...

God: Your effort, as in seeking and relying on me - for everything.. 

God: It's like climbing a mountain. You take the steps, one foot in front of the other (your effort), and I'll be your guide; your own personal mountain guide. At times the trail may become treacherous, but I created this mountain, therefore I know it best. I know the trail, even in darkness; allow me to be your light. And don't worry, if you fall I am more than capable of healing you. But you must stay with me and beside me always, least you wonder off the path and I'm not there to catch you if you fall. 

God: Everyday that we set out in-route, I will have a plan for you. This plan is similar to the convey/mission briefings you had while in Iraq. Talk to me, and I will tell you the dangers of the trail that day; what to be aware of, the challenges we must face and how to overcome them. We will have scheduled stops and rest points- sometimes planned and others spontaneous. Along the trail each day I will show you the beauty of the mountain; points of interest, and new opportunities for you to learn and grow. 

God: But, like I said... you must walk with me. Not in front or behind me, but next to me so you can continually hear my voice and guidance. I made you this way. For this. Adventurous.

Me: Awesome.


Now, change the "Me" to "You". We were all made to be adventurous in God.

Part 2: Getting Rid of the Crap (explicit)

For the first time in my life I was ready to embrace all that God had for me. I wanted to cross the threshold line between the world and the kingdom of God. But I had to do so with violent abandonment. If I really wanted the fullness of God to invade my life I had to make room. I changed my phone number. I deleted people on Facebook. I rewrote my entire schedule. Quit my job for a new one. Moved into a new house. Made new friends and hung out at new places. I found every rock and hard-place in my soul and turned it over.

You see, my life had been a fucking joke up to this point. I was usually always prideful and selfish. I could lie compulsively without thought. I didn't know how to have a true friendship with anyone. My relationship with God was scandalous. I worshiped idols to no end. Forget curses, I was a curse to everyone I was around! I plagued my family like a sickness that rots flesh away. I knew how to manipulate everyone and did so to the best of my ability. I was a womanizer. I danced with demons. A bitch to satan and his crew. Screw it, I'm just calling a spade a spade. I have no shame now that I'm in Jesus. That's who I was, and I'm not proud of it. However, I am grateful for it.

Now that I'm not blinded by pride and filled with crap, I know that everything in life is part of a process. We, I, am always in process. The process of becoming who I am in Christ. Becoming who I really am and stripping off the shit that was upon my back. Holding me back. (I know that foul language is offensive, but I believe sometimes profanity is needed to express proper levels of anger- and I'm pissed off) The fact that I succumbed to the enemy in so many areas makes me feel like a punk. A little girl. . .But I need that experience now because its the fuel that lights my fire for others who are lost, broken, addicted, or abused. And for those who have been in my shoes; I want them to see that their hurtful, broken, and corrupt past can be a catalyst for good. That there is no need to drown in shame or regret. Resentment in any form only hurts the individual holding on to it, and that's exactly what the enemy wants. Instead, lets use what he intended for evil for the best thing out there: Jesus Christ.

Love you all so freaking much!!

Are we seeking the "real" Jesus?

Last night I was speaking with someone close to me about the recent changes to my blog page. They had an issue with one of the new pictures I placed on my page. It's the one in the left column that says "Jesus Loves: pornstars, addicts, strippers, homeless, prostitutes, drug dealers, sinners, outcasts, pimps, murders, and child molesters. This person stated that I should take it down immediately. That people who read my blog would be quite offended by the last name on that list- "child molesters". I said, "I don't care."

Who are we in western Christianity today that we feel we have the option of deciding who we are to love and who we are not? We say we follow Jesus, that we are committed to Him, yet we draw the line on where and who we love. I'm so sick of this "comfort christianity" that plagues this nation! This idea that we can create the Jesus of our own understanding. The notion that we can follow the Lord of all, yet only with the resources and time we feel is adequate. The thought that salvation is the calling point to our walk, and that as long as we pray, attend church, and try not to sin we are doing enough. Have we forgotten who we serve? Couple this with evangelism that calls for a raising of the hand and a simple prayer, and your saved. Fast-food salvation.

People like the thought of a Savior that will go to great lengths to help a prostitute, eat with a criminal, and bring salvation to a murderer while on the cross. Yet, when it comes to us today, so many want nothing to do with those people. When Jesus commands us to love he didn't make exclusions. I'm convinced that this mind-set is one of the ways we turn so many people away from the church today. We are a love deprived church. Willing to do just enough to make us feel wholly satisfied. Yet when it calls for us to step outside of our comfort zone we turn and run. The gospel will not advance without discomfort, challenge, and persecution. Look at the countries of China, Indonesia, and Korea. There is revival taking place. Miracles, healing, and souls being saved are common occurrence. The price they pay for this is great to say the least. However, they welcome the cost that comes with it. Is it coincidence that these countries that are bearing so much fruit are also the most highly persecuted? 

So many people are short-listers. They have a short list of actions they think are appropriate enough to satisfy their role as a follower of Jesus. They go on short trips to third-world countries where they build a schoolhouse, maybe a church, take their picture with some underprivileged children, get their passport stamped, and return home. Check. Others would simply prefer to write a check, allowing others to be their hands and feet. Can anyone show me in the Bible where Paul asked for money before he was sent out? Others have worked a job for years, yet not once shared the gospel with even one co-worker. Now, don't get me wrong, helping the nations and paying for the good works of others are great things. But they are only great when intertwined with a either a continuing of the mission at home, or when we are reaching out to those locally. Everyone is called to be an apostle (sent one, from the Greek meaning of the word apostolos). Everyone is called to be radical for Jesus. No one is called to mediocrity. No one is called to simply to goto church, pray, and read the Bible. We are called to do this and so, so, so much more. In fact, we are not just called, but commanded. I know that personally, I don't want to be like the church in Laodicea (Rev. 3:14-22) caught being lukewarm. I want to be found on fire. Jesus says anything but that, and He will spit us out of His mouth. If that doesn't convict you, I'm not sure what will. 

I dont want people to hear my words as coming from a heart of condemnation. I agree that there are many communities of believers doing the right things. I've seen them and been privileged to be a part of a few. However, it is my intention to fully stir the minds and hearts of some. If this brings controversy or anger than I welcome it. We need more discomfort and out-of-the box thinking in the church today. If we look at our country and the world around us, I think we can agree that something needs to change. The middle-east is in complete turmoil. We are coming upon an election where we are forced to choose between putting a president who believes in abortion and gay marriage, or one who is a mormon in the white house. Mass murders are happening at movie theaters and schools. Europe is facing a economic crisis like never before. And, it seems that natural disasters are becoming more commonplace than ever before in history. Darkness is everywhere. Simply put, the world needs the love of Christ more than ever before. We were created by God to be his light. Will we follow the commands of Jesus and bring forth the light into the darkest places? Or will we be bystanders. 

If love and full obedience to the one who loved us first was our motivating force, the church would thrive. Lets all be completely sold-out, unashamed, radical, dramatic, charismatic Christians who love with no end. Ones who bring the light into the darkest of places without fear. Can you imagine the results? I can. 

Part 1: The Missing Piece

Through the proverbial ringer I go….This time I landed on my feet, and better for it. I went from ministry and miracles to heroin and death- all in less than a year. How does this happen? A heart turned cold and a stand against God. Resentments, hurts, and denial. And a lost boy running to the temporary comforts of this world.

Let me see if I can recap this past year more in detail...

Tacoma, Washington: A relationship ended, my ministry was taken away, and I began to fall back into old patterns. Naturally, this was of my own personal destruction. The culprit: Blinded by pride, I became unteachable, and unwilling to accept truth; even when spoken in love. I had lost my ability to keep pace with the spirit which God entrusted to my soul. I was running while God was telling me to walk. I had jumped the gun. I had begun battle without even joining the army. It was a repentance issue. It must all begin with repentance. Not weak-hearted, western culture-laden, say a little prayer and everything is dandy repentance. But a repentance that calls for complete sacrifice, surrender, and a making of Jesus as Lord, not just Savior. As Brother Yun states in his book Living Water : 

"You see, we are all called to run a race for Jesus, and repentance is the starting line of that race. It's futile to try and run the race if you never made it to the starting line to begin with….Repentance is both the first step to walking in the kingdom of God and the key to continuing in a place of obedience and submission to the Lord…Without a deep experience of repentance in our lives, we will continually struggle with basic sin and never mature as believers." 

He than goes on to define repentance as: 

"God knows who is a citizen of His kingdom and who is an impostor. If we have received an invitation to the wedding feast of the kingdom of God, we must wear the clothes that He tells us to, and not our own. We must accept His word and live by it, aligning our lifestyle and choices to match the commands of the King. This is repentance."

I wanted all that God had for me in an instant, but I wasn't completely ready to throw off all of the old for every bit of the new. Sure, I could convince myself that I was a new creation. I could walk, pray, and act like I was completely transformed. But I was, as the "Big Book" of AA puts it, "An actor trying to control the show". I had one foot in the past and one in the future. No doubt, my heart was crying out for Jesus. The real Jesus. But, my level of commitment never rose to the proper level of demand for our Lord. However, I can say that while my heart condition was that of mediocre, God used me just the same. I spoke truth, I listened to God, I prayed earnestly for others, and I saw lives transformed. It's amazing how God will find a way to fulfill His purposes through the weak and fable. 

I went home to Tempe, Arizona for a visit and never went back. I left Tacoma and what I'm positive is one of the most honorable, loving, and Jesus-seeking, Jesus-centered communities that exist, City Central Church. I hurt many people and broke the trust of others. I ended many relationships that were meant to last a lifetime, and all in the sorrow of my own selfishness. Back in Tempe, I slowly fell back in to the lifestyle that had been such a plague to my existence. My existence intertwined with one or two year-long spats of a false facades of Christianity since I was young. As is the idiom of the rehabilitation world, each time you relapse into hell, the fire gets hotter and death becomes more a reality. In May, after being kicked out of one rehab center for using, I crashed my truck in the midst of a coke, Ativan, and alcohol binge. I decided to go back into treatment. My mother, an absolute angel, paid the near fourteen thousand dollars for my treatment out-of-pocket. Determined to quit this time for good, I walked through the doors at Calvary Addiction Recovery Center for 30 days of in-patient treatment. 

For the first time I had conceded to my addiction, and in this humility God showed me mercy. I soon became one of the house leaders , and began to run the daily morning devotionals. The 30 days came and went like the wind and out I went into the world. My sobriety lasted 70 days. The problem being that I found refuge and sought help from a program and not a lifestyle. I thought Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, and the other Anonymous groups were the answer to staying sober. Now, don't get me wrong, those groups are excellent tools in one's fight for sobriety, but in a kingdom state of mind, they need to be left at that. The true answer to transformation can only be found in one place. That place not being one where the "God of your own understanding" is sought. 

A few weeks after I ended my sobriety, God in His ultimate sovereignty got my attention once again. . . After a night of shooting-up Heroin, drinking, and popping Xanex; I totaled my truck. I nodded out while driving through my neighborhood and ran my truck through a light pole and a six-foot tall cinder block fence in someones front yard. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. My passenger airbag had deployed but mine was missing due to my accident in May. With no seat belt on, my face impacted the steering wheel where I bit through my bottom lip completely. In a accident that looked like death, this was my only injury. Even more astonishing is the fact that in two accidents within two months, both where I was intoxicated, I was not drug/alcohol tested. 

How many chances would God grant me out of His mercy and grace?! I was in complete ruin emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I had hit many rock-bottoms in my life. In fact, most of them are detailed throughout the past postings here on my blog. However, this was the lowest I had reached. Something that had never been done before had to be done. I was sure that my string of second-chances was over. I had tried everything and always ended up losing all.  At this time I was homeless. Kicked out of sober-living and not allowed into the others, I turned to a friend who I had blown off so many times before. He invited me to live with him and his family. 

After days of the most excruciating emotional pain I have ever experienced, I was ready to give God my all. I was desperate for what I knew could only be found in Him. I knew the implications that come when I am unwilling to commit ALL of my heart and soul to Him. This time I was going to cross the threshold with complete abandonment. I was going to make Jesus more than a mark upon my name; He was going to become my identity. God spoke to me, and He reminded me of the words of Jesus when He spoke to the church in Laodicea: 

"I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." Revelation 3:15-22

(End of Part 1)