Through the proverbial ringer I go….This time I landed on my feet, and better for it. I went from ministry and miracles to heroin and death- all in less than a year. How does this happen? A heart turned cold and a stand against God. Resentments, hurts, and denial. And a lost boy running to the temporary comforts of this world.
Let me see if I can recap this past year more in detail...
Tacoma, Washington: A relationship ended, my ministry was taken away, and I began to fall back into old patterns. Naturally, this was of my own personal destruction. The culprit: Blinded by pride, I became unteachable, and unwilling to accept truth; even when spoken in love. I had lost my ability to keep pace with the spirit which God entrusted to my soul. I was running while God was telling me to walk. I had jumped the gun. I had begun battle without even joining the army. It was a repentance issue. It must all begin with repentance. Not weak-hearted, western culture-laden, say a little prayer and everything is dandy repentance. But a repentance that calls for complete sacrifice, surrender, and a making of Jesus as Lord, not just Savior. As Brother Yun states in his book Living Water :
"You see, we are all called to run a race for Jesus, and repentance is the starting line of that race. It's futile to try and run the race if you never made it to the starting line to begin with….Repentance is both the first step to walking in the kingdom of God and the key to continuing in a place of obedience and submission to the Lord…Without a deep experience of repentance in our lives, we will continually struggle with basic sin and never mature as believers."
He than goes on to define repentance as:
"God knows who is a citizen of His kingdom and who is an impostor. If we have received an invitation to the wedding feast of the kingdom of God, we must wear the clothes that He tells us to, and not our own. We must accept His word and live by it, aligning our lifestyle and choices to match the commands of the King. This is repentance."
I wanted all that God had for me in an instant, but I wasn't completely ready to throw off all of the old for every bit of the new. Sure, I could convince myself that I was a new creation. I could walk, pray, and act like I was completely transformed. But I was, as the "Big Book" of AA puts it, "An actor trying to control the show". I had one foot in the past and one in the future. No doubt, my heart was crying out for Jesus. The real Jesus. But, my level of commitment never rose to the proper level of demand for our Lord. However, I can say that while my heart condition was that of mediocre, God used me just the same. I spoke truth, I listened to God, I prayed earnestly for others, and I saw lives transformed. It's amazing how God will find a way to fulfill His purposes through the weak and fable.
I went home to Tempe, Arizona for a visit and never went back. I left Tacoma and what I'm positive is one of the most honorable, loving, and Jesus-seeking, Jesus-centered communities that exist, City Central Church. I hurt many people and broke the trust of others. I ended many relationships that were meant to last a lifetime, and all in the sorrow of my own selfishness. Back in Tempe, I slowly fell back in to the lifestyle that had been such a plague to my existence. My existence intertwined with one or two year-long spats of a false facades of Christianity since I was young. As is the idiom of the rehabilitation world, each time you relapse into hell, the fire gets hotter and death becomes more a reality. In May, after being kicked out of one rehab center for using, I crashed my truck in the midst of a coke, Ativan, and alcohol binge. I decided to go back into treatment. My mother, an absolute angel, paid the near fourteen thousand dollars for my treatment out-of-pocket. Determined to quit this time for good, I walked through the doors at Calvary Addiction Recovery Center for 30 days of in-patient treatment.
For the first time I had conceded to my addiction, and in this humility God showed me mercy. I soon became one of the house leaders , and began to run the daily morning devotionals. The 30 days came and went like the wind and out I went into the world. My sobriety lasted 70 days. The problem being that I found refuge and sought help from a program and not a lifestyle. I thought Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, and the other Anonymous groups were the answer to staying sober. Now, don't get me wrong, those groups are excellent tools in one's fight for sobriety, but in a kingdom state of mind, they need to be left at that. The true answer to transformation can only be found in one place. That place not being one where the "God of your own understanding" is sought.
A few weeks after I ended my sobriety, God in His ultimate sovereignty got my attention once again. . . After a night of shooting-up Heroin, drinking, and popping Xanex; I totaled my truck. I nodded out while driving through my neighborhood and ran my truck through a light pole and a six-foot tall cinder block fence in someones front yard. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. My passenger airbag had deployed but mine was missing due to my accident in May. With no seat belt on, my face impacted the steering wheel where I bit through my bottom lip completely. In a accident that looked like death, this was my only injury. Even more astonishing is the fact that in two accidents within two months, both where I was intoxicated, I was not drug/alcohol tested.
How many chances would God grant me out of His mercy and grace?! I was in complete ruin emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I had hit many rock-bottoms in my life. In fact, most of them are detailed throughout the past postings here on my blog. However, this was the lowest I had reached. Something that had never been done before had to be done. I was sure that my string of second-chances was over. I had tried everything and always ended up losing all. At this time I was homeless. Kicked out of sober-living and not allowed into the others, I turned to a friend who I had blown off so many times before. He invited me to live with him and his family.
After days of the most excruciating emotional pain I have ever experienced, I was ready to give God my all. I was desperate for what I knew could only be found in Him. I knew the implications that come when I am unwilling to commit ALL of my heart and soul to Him. This time I was going to cross the threshold with complete abandonment. I was going to make Jesus more than a mark upon my name; He was going to become my identity. God spoke to me, and He reminded me of the words of Jesus when He spoke to the church in Laodicea:
"I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." Revelation 3:15-22
(End of Part 1)
