My Brother

This Thursday I'll venture home to Tempe, Arizona. It will be my first time back since moving up here to Tacoma. I've realized its going to be quite emotionally climatic in many ways, and I know God will be on the move within my heart.

My brother will be attending the Freedom Immersion that my church is doing in Tempe which is actually taking place at the church I grew up in, and where my mom works and still attends. In fact, it will be in the same building where I was on Student Ministries staff for a short time. The same church that originally helped plant the seed that has led me to where I am today. If you know my story, than you would know that this is somewhat idyllic and ironic at the same time.

Regressing, to my first sentence, this paragraph; my brother will be attending. Amen. My brother and I have been through a lot together - from hiding atop our bunk bed while our parents fought it out, to fist-fights and beyond. I was there when both of his children were born, and he has always been there for me. Without a doubt, he has been there. Through my roughest of times, and through my proudest, he was there. He is a man to admire. A father and husband before all, but a brother second to none.

It's been a journey- his life.
Born with a hole in his heart, he survived. Abandoned by his own Father by the time he was one, he was raised by another who didn't do much better. But he persevered. He always has.

Lately, I've seen something different in him. I've seen a light in Him that can only be produced from the one true light. You see, my story is miracle, truly. I've been to hell and back. Literally, from the deepest, darkest recesses of sin, to knowing glory upon glory. From trying to commit suicide to breathing life into others, from addictions to freedom, and crime to justice. Marc, has traveled a different path. He has always been a noble man full of integrity and grit. One who never steeped to the lower levels of worldly pursuits and pleasures to the degree that I have. He works harder than anyone I have ever met. But there has been something missing...something that I see a hunger growing for within his soul. Something that he inherited over two-thousand years ago. An intimate relationship with a father that will never abandon him ever.

The thing is, I know this is the missing piece in his life. I know him as a man, and I know that he needs more of Jesus. I know that there is nothing that he cant accomplish with Him in his life. I don't believe in biblical teaching that promotes prosperity, health, and financial growth through the gospel. I know that Jesus actually implies that a relationship with Him doesn't make our life any easier. But I also know, that he fills our life with purpose and hope. He gives us joy and love beyond words and reasoning. And I know that he heals hearts and performs miracles.

I have a heart for anyone who doesn't know Jesus. I want to reach them. I want to love them. I want God to encounter them in ways that seem impossible. However, I want Jesus to reach my brothers heart first and foremost. A growing ministry, loving friends, and sunshine in Washington are great, but nothing would be as great as a brother who is transformed by Christ. He is such a man to be admired now, I can only imagine how amazing he would be as a disciple. He is a father better than most, but I can only imagine the father he will be. He is a husband with a heart, but I can imagine the husband he will be. He is a brother beyond words, but I can only imagine...

I love you Marc.
I can't wait to see you.
And...
I cant wait to see what God does in you.

Reflection

This following posting is nothing but my own thoughts and convictions:

Lately my mind has been a wreck. Two trains colliding at midnight in the middle of obscurity deafening upon my ears. Its the present meeting the past. Waves of where I've been crashing loudly onto the shores of where I am going. The current is strong and the tide is God. I've been flooded with thoughts of how simple the gospel used to seem to me. It was so pure and simple. I lived simply to love others and that came so easily.

The sun is ablaze this early afternoon here in Washington and it enables me to drift back to my time in Kenya. The warm smiles on the dark faces. The dust filling the air from the stomping of young feet in the red soil. The sound of worship filling a building that lies amidst a world of poverty and struggles beyond my own comprehension. Lunch was fresh bananas and coke in glass bottles. Nothing was better than running free through a barren field holding the hand of shoeless nine year old. The ball we kicked was nothing but taped linen, yet it felt like we were playing for the world cup. They all had so little, but believed in so much. Theology didn't matter much and the ties of condemnation and legalism didn't bind. They didn't have money or clothes, but they had hope and that was enough. They had Jesus. Simple. And that was more than enough for celebration. It was enough for smiles and loud laughter. It was enough for dancing, clapping, and joyous shouts.

I talked to a friend today back in Arizona about relevancy within the Church. We talked about million-dollar church buildings, fog machines during worship, and pastors wearing designer jeans. We talked about the narrow road and the broad road. We talked about sermons that are preached less about Jesus, true repentance, and Christ-like transformation and more about society and how to live a better life. Unfortunately, I was on one side and he was on the other. He didn't say these things blatantly, but it was there. It was sad. The so-called "Emerging Church" swallows another.

I'm so tired of being selfish. I'm absolutely dismayed, disgusted, and sick of my own selfishness. Its led me to confusion. It distorts my view of God and dilutes my zeal. Ambition is a plague that turns hearts black. I want to get back to the warm afternoons in Kenya. When I cared not about position or promotion, but how I loved. I want to be comfortable with where I am. In fact, not just comfortable, but joyous. I want to look at others again and not see fault but see strength. I want to be more than alright with not having it all figured out. I want to erase the idea of offense from my mind.

I just talked to Michelle on the phone. She told me not to be so hard on myself with all my convictions. I don't know any other way. How should I be when I find myself like this? I don't want to be ordinary. I refuse to settle for less when it comes to God. Did Paul rest along the lines of just doing enough? I have this one life to live before I stand face to face with my Lord. What will he say? What will I say? "Did I do ALL I could do for you Father?" I cant stand it when people say I'm doing too much, your too hard on yourself,  or your going to burn out. You know what phrase I really hate: "I've seen it time and time again", or "trust me, it wont work". I am willing to bet that phrases like that didn't work on Billy Graham, Saint Francis of Assisi, or Jonathon Edwards. This isn't about being like one of them, but it is about a heart cry to bring glory to God like they possessed.  God has a plan- I understand this, but I want to be a part of it, and I want to be fully committed to it.

"God take me to the next level. Take me to the depths of your very heart. I wont stand for mediocrity no longer. Strip me of everything if need be. Break me, test me, bend me.... "

"All you need is love"

It's happened twice, noticeably, in the past few weeks. And hundreds of times before that....

It makes me wonder how I made it before. How did I make it through each hour, day, week, and month? I mean, I can look back now and see why I self-medicated myself with hoards of  junk. Junk. Basically, replacing emptiness with more emptiness. No wonder I was such a punk...a disrespectful jerk more than half the time. Full of anger and rage, and living in rebellion. I was depressed on the sunniest of days, and even the miniscule amount of happiness I did find was counterfeit. Friends didn't want to be around me and my family didn't know where to put me. Rehab, the psych ward, prison...all grave but accurate possibilities.

That was the past, but even today it plays out in similar ways. Edgy, punchy, and frustrated. Lost in desolation with a dry mouth and an empty water bottle. I become tired and isolated. May it be fractions of time or a week, its a treacherous road.... and its results are pitiful.

Excuses and rationalizations are how I justify this... "I've just been too busy with ministry and other tasks" , or "It's been a rough week, I'll make up for it tomorrow". I blame it on my schedule, job, family, friends, church, errands, relationships, and the list goes on.

I'm talking about time with the Lord. Without Him, I am truly nothing.

Without daily prayer and communication with God I cant operate the way I was intended to. It's like growing grass without water, or running an engine without oil. The Lord has made this obviously apparent to me as of late, and He does so out of love. I know He misses being with me when I'm not there. Truly, He is the only person I can ignore, forget about, or hide from and will still be there with arms open with a smile on His face. It has made me realize that I have never fully understood the meaning of the words "I miss you" until it came from His lips.

It's convicted me in so many ways...  First of all, how can I rationalize not making time with Jesus a priority!? He is the maker of all things (including my very own being)! He saved me from an eternity of destruction, and I have the gull to say "Hey buddy, let me try and schedule you in next week".  Wow. Talk about bringing my selfishness to light.

Secondly, how can I demonstrate love...share it, produce it, or show it to anyone without continually being renewed in the only true love in existence - His love. We need it to live a successful, joyful, and meaningful life. We communicate with it, wither its through encouragement or rebuke. It empowers the simplest of words. We use it to express our interest in our friends, family, and loved ones. It exemplifies who we are. Its the foundation for compassion, sympathy, and understanding. Love in one form or another is how we experience joy and happiness. Its the all encompassing ingredient that all humans need. Its transformational and potent.

This is shown to me more and more as I do inner-city ministry. Working with children who have had somewhat of a love deficit most of their lives is challenging. Many have been raised with only one parent or an abusive parent; which has short-changed them on the love that God designed to be shown to them. Working with these kids I have realized one thing: You can feed them food, put on programs, invite them to activities, look cool, say the right thing, buy them things, or whatever else it may be... but only love provides a response. When you take all else away and truly love them, transformation is possible. Its the gateway to relationship with them.  It is the heat that melts away the ice unjustly formed around their heart. There is no substitute for genuine Godly love. When actions are coupled with this love it changes everything.
 
In conclusion, my point is this, He is love, and He is the only source of love. We need that love, and we need continual, daily time with Him to get it. Getting by marginally in communication with Him, when we are just checking in periodically, is like drinking from a faucet when he wants to shower us with a fire-hose. We are nothing and can be nothing to our self and others without it. It's a stark reality but its true. If we don't have Jesus, if we are not soaking in His love, than we are unable to love or receive love. What we perceive as love without Him is simply a facade and is no where near as satisfying as the real thing. Believe me, I've tried it both ways.