This following posting is nothing but my own thoughts and convictions:
Lately my mind has been a wreck. Two trains colliding at midnight in the middle of obscurity deafening upon my ears. Its the present meeting the past. Waves of where I've been crashing loudly onto the shores of where I am going. The current is strong and the tide is God. I've been flooded with thoughts of how simple the gospel used to seem to me. It was so pure and simple. I lived simply to love others and that came so easily.
The sun is ablaze this early afternoon here in Washington and it enables me to drift back to my time in Kenya. The warm smiles on the dark faces. The dust filling the air from the stomping of young feet in the red soil. The sound of worship filling a building that lies amidst a world of poverty and struggles beyond my own comprehension. Lunch was fresh bananas and coke in glass bottles. Nothing was better than running free through a barren field holding the hand of shoeless nine year old. The ball we kicked was nothing but taped linen, yet it felt like we were playing for the world cup. They all had so little, but believed in so much. Theology didn't matter much and the ties of condemnation and legalism didn't bind. They didn't have money or clothes, but they had hope and that was enough. They had Jesus. Simple. And that was more than enough for celebration. It was enough for smiles and loud laughter. It was enough for dancing, clapping, and joyous shouts.
I talked to a friend today back in Arizona about relevancy within the Church. We talked about million-dollar church buildings, fog machines during worship, and pastors wearing designer jeans. We talked about the narrow road and the broad road. We talked about sermons that are preached less about Jesus, true repentance, and Christ-like transformation and more about society and how to live a better life. Unfortunately, I was on one side and he was on the other. He didn't say these things blatantly, but it was there. It was sad. The so-called "Emerging Church" swallows another.
I'm so tired of being selfish. I'm absolutely dismayed, disgusted, and sick of my own selfishness. Its led me to confusion. It distorts my view of God and dilutes my zeal. Ambition is a plague that turns hearts black. I want to get back to the warm afternoons in Kenya. When I cared not about position or promotion, but how I loved. I want to be comfortable with where I am. In fact, not just comfortable, but joyous. I want to look at others again and not see fault but see strength. I want to be more than alright with not having it all figured out. I want to erase the idea of offense from my mind.
I just talked to Michelle on the phone. She told me not to be so hard on myself with all my convictions. I don't know any other way. How should I be when I find myself like this? I don't want to be ordinary. I refuse to settle for less when it comes to God. Did Paul rest along the lines of just doing enough? I have this one life to live before I stand face to face with my Lord. What will he say? What will I say? "Did I do ALL I could do for you Father?" I cant stand it when people say I'm doing too much, your too hard on yourself, or your going to burn out. You know what phrase I really hate: "I've seen it time and time again", or "trust me, it wont work". I am willing to bet that phrases like that didn't work on Billy Graham, Saint Francis of Assisi, or Jonathon Edwards. This isn't about being like one of them, but it is about a heart cry to bring glory to God like they possessed. God has a plan- I understand this, but I want to be a part of it, and I want to be fully committed to it.
"God take me to the next level. Take me to the depths of your very heart. I wont stand for mediocrity no longer. Strip me of everything if need be. Break me, test me, bend me.... "
