It makes me wonder how I made it before. How did I make it through each hour, day, week, and month? I mean, I can look back now and see why I self-medicated myself with hoards of junk. Junk. Basically, replacing emptiness with more emptiness. No wonder I was such a punk...a disrespectful jerk more than half the time. Full of anger and rage, and living in rebellion. I was depressed on the sunniest of days, and even the miniscule amount of happiness I did find was counterfeit. Friends didn't want to be around me and my family didn't know where to put me. Rehab, the psych ward, prison...all grave but accurate possibilities.
That was the past, but even today it plays out in similar ways. Edgy, punchy, and frustrated. Lost in desolation with a dry mouth and an empty water bottle. I become tired and isolated. May it be fractions of time or a week, its a treacherous road.... and its results are pitiful.
Excuses and rationalizations are how I justify this... "I've just been too busy with ministry and other tasks" , or "It's been a rough week, I'll make up for it tomorrow". I blame it on my schedule, job, family, friends, church, errands, relationships, and the list goes on.
I'm talking about time with the Lord. Without Him, I am truly nothing.
Without daily prayer and communication with God I cant operate the way I was intended to. It's like growing grass without water, or running an engine without oil. The Lord has made this obviously apparent to me as of late, and He does so out of love. I know He misses being with me when I'm not there. Truly, He is the only person I can ignore, forget about, or hide from and will still be there with arms open with a smile on His face. It has made me realize that I have never fully understood the meaning of the words "I miss you" until it came from His lips.
It's convicted me in so many ways... First of all, how can I rationalize not making time with Jesus a priority!? He is the maker of all things (including my very own being)! He saved me from an eternity of destruction, and I have the gull to say "Hey buddy, let me try and schedule you in next week". Wow. Talk about bringing my selfishness to light.
Secondly, how can I demonstrate love...share it, produce it, or show it to anyone without continually being renewed in the only true love in existence - His love. We need it to live a successful, joyful, and meaningful life. We communicate with it, wither its through encouragement or rebuke. It empowers the simplest of words. We use it to express our interest in our friends, family, and loved ones. It exemplifies who we are. Its the foundation for compassion, sympathy, and understanding. Love in one form or another is how we experience joy and happiness. Its the all encompassing ingredient that all humans need. Its transformational and potent.
This is shown to me more and more as I do inner-city ministry. Working with children who have had somewhat of a love deficit most of their lives is challenging. Many have been raised with only one parent or an abusive parent; which has short-changed them on the love that God designed to be shown to them. Working with these kids I have realized one thing: You can feed them food, put on programs, invite them to activities, look cool, say the right thing, buy them things, or whatever else it may be... but only love provides a response. When you take all else away and truly love them, transformation is possible. Its the gateway to relationship with them. It is the heat that melts away the ice unjustly formed around their heart. There is no substitute for genuine Godly love. When actions are coupled with this love it changes everything.
In conclusion, my point is this, He is love, and He is the only source of love. We need that love, and we need continual, daily time with Him to get it. Getting by marginally in communication with Him, when we are just checking in periodically, is like drinking from a faucet when he wants to shower us with a fire-hose. We are nothing and can be nothing to our self and others without it. It's a stark reality but its true. If we don't have Jesus, if we are not soaking in His love, than we are unable to love or receive love. What we perceive as love without Him is simply a facade and is no where near as satisfying as the real thing. Believe me, I've tried it both ways.
