For the first time in my life I was ready to embrace all that God had for me. I wanted to cross the threshold line between the world and the kingdom of God. But I had to do so with violent abandonment. If I really wanted the fullness of God to invade my life I had to make room. I changed my phone number. I deleted people on Facebook. I rewrote my entire schedule. Quit my job for a new one. Moved into a new house. Made new friends and hung out at new places. I found every rock and hard-place in my soul and turned it over.
You see, my life had been a fucking joke up to this point. I was usually always prideful and selfish. I could lie compulsively without thought. I didn't know how to have a true friendship with anyone. My relationship with God was scandalous. I worshiped idols to no end. Forget curses, I was a curse to everyone I was around! I plagued my family like a sickness that rots flesh away. I knew how to manipulate everyone and did so to the best of my ability. I was a womanizer. I danced with demons. A bitch to satan and his crew. Screw it, I'm just calling a spade a spade. I have no shame now that I'm in Jesus. That's who I was, and I'm not proud of it. However, I am grateful for it.
Now that I'm not blinded by pride and filled with crap, I know that everything in life is part of a process. We, I, am always in process. The process of becoming who I am in Christ. Becoming who I really am and stripping off the shit that was upon my back. Holding me back. (I know that foul language is offensive, but I believe sometimes profanity is needed to express proper levels of anger- and I'm pissed off) The fact that I succumbed to the enemy in so many areas makes me feel like a punk. A little girl. . .But I need that experience now because its the fuel that lights my fire for others who are lost, broken, addicted, or abused. And for those who have been in my shoes; I want them to see that their hurtful, broken, and corrupt past can be a catalyst for good. That there is no need to drown in shame or regret. Resentment in any form only hurts the individual holding on to it, and that's exactly what the enemy wants. Instead, lets use what he intended for evil for the best thing out there: Jesus Christ.
Love you all so freaking much!!
